How do you discpline your kids?

[NormGunston]

I’m asking for some practical advice on child-wrangling from experienced parents, please. How do you discipline your kids?
Our daughter is approaching her eighth birthday. I wouldn’t classify her as a ‘naughty’ or ‘problem’ child at all- and that’s compared to the thousands of primary school aged kids I come in contact with as a TESOL (teacher of English to speakers of other languages), but she provides plenty of trying moments, and I would very much like to consult my hunting brothers and sisters on what you do. Specifically, the opinions I’m seeking concern ways to deal with heated back chatting, refusal to co-operate, having to have the last word, arguing the point (often in a very clever manner!), etc. Not exactly “setting the school on fire” level of misbehaviour and is probably quite typical of many children’s interactions with adults. I base my understanding of why children do not ‘obey’ or misbehave on the idea that is a necessary part of how kids learn about themselves and the world. When children are trying to discover where social boundaries exist, they push adult’s patience until they find the limit. Am I off the mark here? It is at this point, the boundary of acceptable/unacceptable behaviour (which they have asked us as adults to show them) that I’d like to know what you do or say.
Do you take the traditional action of a smack on the bum? Off to their room for a ‘time out’? A stern talking to? Emotional control? Reasoning with them (asking whether they think their behaviour is acceptable? Withdrawal of privileges?
Thanks, Ant.

[Chuditch]

Hi Ant,

You said a mouthfull there mate. Our little bloke is 11 and we are expecting a little girl in June 18. I tell you I am going to be challenged more by the little girl who is to come than the boy (if she is anything like mum I will be stuffed!). I work in similar children based field (not education though) and from what little I have learnt it is about setting boundaries and reinforcing that we all have to conform to a degree, even us big folks.

Encouraging the kids to challenge your authority in a Q+A setting where rules are in place as to how the challenging can happen, is also a really good way to give the kids some 'venting' space about bucking parental authority. Like a family meeting with other members reinforcing your position eg the missus. If the kid meets less resistance to their stand on a matter, it's less fun to fight back for them.

I'd say that a smack on the bum is as far as one should go if you have to consider physical punishment. In my experience it's mostly counter productive to give a smack. I tend to operate on the principal that all kids and adults are individuals and what might work for one does not necessarily work for all.

To round it off, engage with your child. Talk to her and try to communicate with her to open up her access to you. I reckon getting that exchange going is really important.

I'm no expert mate, who is with this stuff? Patience is a virtue ......

[HOOD]

We have been having a fun time with our 2.5 year old and the whole disobedience, back chatting and tantrums.

We quickly found that the light handed smacks on the back side were..... well a laughing matter to her.

So it was time for the "Super Nanny" trick of time out and that seams to work well. We make her come to us after time out and explain to her what she said/did was wrong and why, then she says sorry and gives us a hug/kiss.

At times when she's throwing stuff around we take what it is off of her and she doesn't get to play with it for 24hrs and that to has been working.

Instead of saying NO all the time we have adopted the phrase "Thats not acceptable" (another Super nanny trick) and tell her why it's not.

And we always, always praise her for the good things she says and does and she likes that.

And with no manual to go by it's trying times for all involved.

And only being new to all this parenting stuff it's a learn as you go thing.
As said manny a time, every kid/adult is different and as such each case needs to be looked at differently.

Be patient grass hopper the solution will reveal it's self to you in time.;)

[rudy]

We have three children, From 18 next month, a 2 and a half year old and a 2 and a half week old. From what i have learnt so far praise them when they do the good things, The good things might be just helping around the house. But just keep in mind, all they want is your love and attention. They learn more at home than anywhere else, so its up to you to set the example.
My eldest boy thought it was a bit strict at home, he has recently been inlisted into the armed forces, now he'll find out what strict is.
All the best with your family and hope you find the answer to your problems

[bear]

We quickly found that the light handed smacks on the back side were..... well a laughing matter to her.


Yep I had same problem:mad:

So it was time for the "Super Nanny" trick of time out and that seams to work well. We make her come to us after time out and explain to her what she said/did was wrong and why, then she says sorry and gives us a hug/kiss.



Yep did that to and very surprised it actually works:o:D


And we always, always praise her for the good things she says and does and she likes that.

And with no manual to go by it's trying times for all involved.

And only being new to all this parenting stuff it's a learn as you go thing.
As said manny a time, every kid/adult is different and as such each case needs to be looked at differently.

Be patient grass hopper the solution will reveal it's self to you in time.;)
well said hood:D My missus started with what called "this supernanny ***** won't work":P well it did for us, but my daughter isn't that badly behaved anyway:D YET!

[NormGunston]

Thanks for the yarn, fellas. chudditch- I'm liking the idea of regular family meetings, as I can envisage my daughter feeling and being presented with an opportunity to sense her place as a responsible member (at an 8 year old's level) of the clan. Mick- Supernanny is a TV thing, yeah? Hmmm, I can understand the psych behind the phrase instead of "NO!"- will give it a burl and report back. rudy- being a role model is what it's all about, that's great advice to remember as is the LOVE, which is what's it's all about. Thanks for that. bear- I thought it would be too bloody hot up there for kids to muck up! Too true- my daughter isn't so naughty per se, but I reckon it would be better to help her to help herself now, rather than later.

[Puk]

Ant,

I found myself yelling at my boys a bit a few months ago, and knew that i had to change the way i was acting. I would yell, and then if my boys still didn't do what they were told, they got a smack. Last month my son got in trouble at Kindy because after another kid took something of his, my boy yelled at him, and then when that didn't work the teacher found him winding up to give the kid a good belting. Gee, i wonder where he learned that??:o:( I felt about 10cm tall. Daddy wasn't being a very good example.
So i read some books and have really made an effort not to yell or smack lately.

The things that i have found helpful are to instill the thought that they are part of something, and being part of something involves certain behaviours (ie. "You are a Pukallus. We love you and you are an important part of our family. But Pukallus's don't hit people, and we don't yell. Pukallus's take care of each other, etc." It gives them something to work towards, and something to do rather than something to not do.)

The other one is to understand the feelings that are causing the behaviour.
I have found this really helpful with my 4 year old. To say to him "You are really frustrated aren't you? Or "You must be really angry. I understand that you are angry, i would be too. It is okay to be angry. But it is not okay to (be rude to me, etc...) There are better ways to deal with being angry. Perhaps we can talk about it etc."

Sometimes the kids just want us to understand where they are coming from and what they are feeling. Also, we never let them out of a "time out" without explaining to them why they went there, getting an apology and a hug from them.

Puk, [another parenting work in progress.]

[mercyfulfate]

A belt across my arse always kept me in line, can't say I never deserved it :P

[nasty nat]

I myself being an 18 year old actually agree what you had to say about how we are trying to find ourselves in the world. this is not so much for me (mainly the women folk). i think that people my age need alot more space than other people, but we also need to be reassured that we can always come to our parents for help. As for punishment a wooden spoon or belt to the arse will never work. taking away privledges tho can work.

[Clinglish]

Smacking for us is a last resort , and I tend to use it faster than the wife who has infinite patience for my behaviour as well as the kids. I have 4 sons 9,7,3 and 21mnths .Each of them responds diferently to differing punishments.If I smack my 9 year old he becomes defiant but my 7 yo acts like you removed a limb so it is a constant juggling act.The most important thing is to stick to your guns.Set the punishment or reward and stick to it. Kids need the boundaries and they will push them but you have to be the grown up ( I hate that bit) Make sure the missus is on your side as kids learn young how to divide and conquer.
Whatever works for you may not be any use to anyone elsle so you may have to try a few different angles till one works.
Anyway if all else fails ask how the teacher disiplines at school and carry uit through to the home it worked for my mate.

[HOOD]

Anthony,
Jo has made a great suggestion.

When the 'Little Boss' is miss behaving/being defient or back chatting.

Work out what her 'Currency' is, be it poket money, her favourite toy, TV, video game machine etc. etc.
And use that as your weapon against the behaviour.

When she is naughty take what ever is important to her away for 24hrs and see what happens.
But if you make the threat 'If you do that once more you will lose your ......... for a day' stick to your threat.



Joel I to found that getting agro and yelling at Bella just didn't help. Neither did the smacks, as she was starting to smack back at us as well as other kids and kids that were twice her size.

Positive words and actions go a long way.

[RazorX]

With a good old leather belt

[Glenn]

When you lay the law down both of you have to stick to it or it wont work. My two children are 29 and 26 now and both of turned out real well but there were plenty of rough patches along the way. It's all a big learning curve for everybody and you wont always get it right but you have to try....Glenn....

[HOOD]

With a good old leather belt


And that is one of the reasons that I have issues with my Father.
It's not a nice thing to have your arse belted till it bleeds :mad: for a matter that was so minor that I myself would have just brushed it off if it was my kids.

[troy]

And that is one of the reasons that I have issues with my Father.
It's not a nice thing to have your arse belted till it bleeds :mad: for a matter that was so minor that I myself would have just brushed it off if it was my kids.

There is a big difference between giving a kid a smack and beating the crap out of them. And there is certainly no reason any parent needs to use a weapon when they discipline their kids, that should be outlawd. Sorry to hear things where like that for you Hood, my 'old cheese' wasn't afraid of a bit of physical effort when it came to discipline either and it didn't help our relationship one little bit.
But there is only so much you can reason with a child. There has to come a time when physical pain or the threat of it may be the only way you will get your point across( i.e. I am bigger then you and I will win). Believe me I very rarely smack my kids. My eldest has probably been smacked 3 times in 17 years. When they were little it was only a matter of picking them up to show them I am stronger and I could hurt you if I wanted to, I didn't even have to raise my voice let alone my hand.
I think the whole problem comes back to how much time you spend with your kids so they don't misbehave for attention and how much free reign you let them have. If they are allowed to carry on as little ones because it's cute or you can't be bothered pulling them into line, then your'e going to have issues when they are older.
Just my opinion anyway.

[HOOD]

There is a big difference between giving a kid a smack and beating the crap out of them. And there is certainly no reason any parent needs to use a weapon when they discipline their kids, that should be outlawd. Sorry to hear things where like that for you Hood, my 'old cheese' wasn't afraid of a bit of physical effort when it came to discipline either and it didn't help our relationship one little bit.


Couldn't agree more.
Well if your seen smacking your kid in public these days in SA you can get arrested.

I believe that if your ever needing to give a child a TAP on the bum it should never ever be done in anger. If your angry walk away, far better to lose a round with your kid then to lose their love forever. JMO

[XTfreak]

My kids were easy to discipline.
I simply did not have any:D
There was absolutly no way I was taking a chance on disciplining my kids the way my parents disciplined me...
Bill

[NormGunston]

Gents, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. To me, it seems that "traditional" and "non-traditional" discipline methods seem to me to follow trends in parenting styles recommended by 'experts' a lot of the time. My point is that, a) we may or may not follow the discipline methods used to control us by our parents and b) each child, home life and family ethics are different.
I hope others reading and contributing to this thread so far find it interesting; for me its highly valuable to listen to other blokes' experiences from a Western perspective. I live in Japan, and the usual ways to 'show kids the error of their ways' for want of a better expression often differ markedly from what I would consider effective and acceptable.
Ant

[Glenn]

Ant I kived in the Philippines for a while in the late 70's and over there discipline is different as well but they have big families with lot's of Uncles and Aunties and Grand Parents and everybody shares the raising of children and discipline is very different to what I was use to but it worked for them and it was very effective...Glenn...

[---Damo---]

taking the time and effort to do things with your kids is a great way to start.If im doing something and my daughter is in the way i explain to her what im doing and give her something trivial to do which intern gives her a sense of worth and keeps her happy.Of course kids will be kids and they all through tantrums and such but they are also people and alot smarter than most of us give them credit for.The phrase kids should be seen and not heard is one i absolutly hate.Alot of parents ought to have a look at their own behaviour as a parent before they go belting their kids.IMO though the best 2 words i can give you in relation to child disciplin and development is Martial Arts.Absolutly hands down the best thing i could have gotten into as a kid.i started when i was 8 and achieved my blackbelt and instructors certificate by 16 .While most of my mates were getting into the booze and smoking i was training for an hour and a half befor school 5 days a week and 2 hours after.Providing your child is given the correct guidence and attitude i cant recomend it highly enough.My 2 year old is already doing front kicks and double punches and i love it :)

[howie]

I count out aloud
One
Two
and on three they get a serve.
These days when they are playing up I say One, and it all stops, easy.

[HOOD]

I count out aloud
One
Two
and on three they get a serve.
These days when they are playing up I say One, and it all stops, easy.

Thats all good and well but it's hard to keep a straight face when your 2.5yr old starts taking over the counting from 2 and continues to 10:P

[Puk]

It's also hard to keep a straight face when your 4 year old can be heard saying "sh.t, i can't find my blocks!", and when i tell him not to use that word, he replies "You do, daddy!"

Father of the year for sure.:eek:

[XTfreak]

It's also hard to keep a straight face when your 4 year old can be heard saying "sh.t, i can't find my blocks!", and when i tell him not to use that word, he replies "You do, daddy!"

Father of the year for sure.:eek:
Puk,
I reckon thats the biggest one right there !!!!!
Though I never had and never planned to have kids of my own I do have 27 nieces and nephews (I come from a family of 5 boys and 6 girls) ,and I got caught out on that one more times than I care to remember. Sometimes it is so hard to remember they are like little sponges just waiting to absorb everything. Or maybe it is just hard for me to remember:rolleyes:...
Bill

[HOOD]

Puk,
I reckon thats the biggest one right there !!!!!
Though I never had and never planned to have kids of my own I do have 27 nieces and nephews (I come from a family of 5 boys and 6 girls) ,and I got caught out on that one more times than I care to remember. Sometimes it is so hard to remember they are like little sponges just waiting to absorb everything. Or maybe it is just hard for me to remember:rolleyes:...
Bill

:P I can relate to that :P

[Luke]

Some great posts so far fellas. Isn't it nice to have a bunch of Dad's talking about thier kids... :P

Here are my thoughts for those who might like to read them ;)

Firm clear boundaries with consequences that are followed through with EVERY time.

Kids need to know where the lines are and that they will be held responsible should they choose to cross those lines.

Failing to uphold consequences shows kids that you can be "beaten" or that you are soft (a pushover). Making statements of threatened consequences ("Don't do that again or you'll have no Christmas" for example) then renegging on that threatened consequence (realising to not give you kid Christmas would make you one of the biggest b@stards out there) will put you in deep doo doo very quickly as an authority figure in parental role.

You have to be careful what you say in moments of frustration and anger because if you make a bold/outrageous consequence and don't follow through - the child wins and your respect as parent takes a blow amplifying your problems even more.

I have no problem with a smack on the bum, or hand. Young children (non-conversational) cannot reason and sometimes a light tap with a bit of a sting is what works to communicate to them the inappropriateness of their behaviour. "Belting" is not on in my books.

My son (who's behaviour I am very proud of every day as both his Father and a teacher at the same school now) has been smacked (on the bum) less than a dozen times in nearly 11 yrs. Not a bad average I'd say.

These are just my thoughts and opinion. I base these on 10 yrs and 11 months of parenting my own son but as well as 8 yrs teaching and professional development regarding behaviour management. Having experience with such a wide range of students over the years (and from ages 5 to 18 ) I have seen all sorts that you could imagine.* :rolleyes:

It must be remembered that not all kids are the same and not all methods will be successful in all cases. Trial and error is all you've got. To hope to do your best at the time is all can do.

Remember: Life is not a dress rehearsal - it's learning as you go.

Thanks for all who've written so far, I have been following with interest both from a parenting point of view and as an educator.

Hope that helps some Ant ;)

cheers,

Luke

*(on average I have taught up to 400 different kids each week across my teaching career thus far in 5 different Qld Schools. I have taught in both public and private, rural and city. I am now Head of Department for my school in Shanghai. An international school servicing expat parents and their children. My wife is also a teacher with 9 yrs experience specialising in early childhood (up to 6 yrs)).

[howie]

Hood, If they count to ten I ask them is that how many woopens they want. No is their answer - always. I only ever count to one, it works a treat.
Years ago I tried the naughty mat and put two of them in the corner, (as I have twin girls). I explained why they were there and the girls understood. A short time later I watched as one of the twins folded her mat up and put it away stating that she woundn't need it, it was very funny to watch......

[Clemo]

I’ve got nothing, accept to say that when my eldest and I are out hunting we get along like good mates do. We laugh and joke and generally enjoy each others company, but when we are at home it’s like any other household with silly squabbles and bickering (and the kids aren’t much better):P.
I recon it’s just easier to teach your kids the things that mater when their minds are engaged.

[NormGunston]

Yep, it is good to know what steps other fathers take. What would be just as informative is to hear the opinions of junior members in regards to effective discipline. Another things I was wondering is whether mums and dads employ different stragtegies (when the other is not there for back-up) and whether discipline tactics differ for boys and girls. Any thoughts? Thanks for contributing, gents.

[Jeffro]

i used to threaten to tickle my boy .under the arms or on the ribs.they will not risk it

[Sparra]

It's also hard to keep a straight face when your 4 year old can be heard saying "sh.t, i can't find my blocks!", and when i tell him not to use that word, he replies "You do, daddy!"

Father of the year for sure.:eek:

:P:P:P What's wrong with BLOCKS????;);)