a bit of fun

[brian]

i saw this on a yank site and thought i might see what we get if we do it here. its a fictional hunting story that i hope all members will contribute to. might be interesting - i'll start...........




after almost a year without holidays, its good to finally have some time off work - 4 weeks in fact!!! after packing the cruiser and double checking all your gear, and your new recurve you hit the road and head west of brisbane - towards warwick to pick up your mate.............................

[Luke]

and hit the road for the long haul. You've not driven the new fourbie off road before and you're looking to hitting the soft stuff with it once you get to the property. It's not all about the destination you know, the jouney's half the fun. It's gonna be a marathon drive so you and your mate decide to....

[brian]

..........pull over for the night at a little truck stop/barbeque area just after ballandean. you were hoping to get a lot further, but a flat tyre cost you precious time. out come the snags and steaks, and a couple of beers. after a good nights rest you are woken by the sound of thunder - the property has rough roads even when dry - its gunna be interesting when you get there this arvo.............

[Luke]

...so you roll up the swags and chuck them in. Making good time the rest of the way (stopping only to grab a bite and take a leak) you think to yourself that all is going well until...

[NormGunston]

... a blob on the horizon materialises into a beautiful woman hitchhiker. You skid to a dusty stop. "G'day, me name's Cheryl. Been bowhuntin' and got a bit lost. Happen to know the way back to The Property?" You and your mate exchange incredulous looks." "Well it just so happens that....

[brian]

;.............

[Luke]

...only at the zoo :shock:...

[aussiehunter]

so we throw cheryls gear in the back and she jumps in the front,between the two of us,as u know the cruisers are a bit cramped in the front,and i have to be careful with the gear changes. we head...

[brian]

;;;;;;;;;;

[aussiehunter]

sitting on the front porch playing banjos was cheryls brothers,toothless and wearing bib and brace. man it was like stepping into the movie deliverence.they even had quite a few pigs running around the house ,squealing.
cheryl calls out.......

[XTfreak]

to her family, " Come on out everyone I brought a couple fresh ones back with me"

[Luke]

...as she removes several good eating sized cod from her pack (phew! :? )...

[Willy_R]

She notices Mick Taylor standing there with a glint of..

[ricochet]

Cheryl throws the fish onto the porch, momma steps out from inside the door, says" hello Boys", gee cheryl they look perty"

[NormGunston]

Then they heard IT. A loud squeal, so loud and squealy it made the hairs on the back of their legs stand up. The banjo boys picked up their chickens and scrambled inside, screaming as if they suffered from some familiar chromosomes. Cheryl swallowed hard, and explains. Next you listen to the story of a loud and squealy MONSTER SWINE that had been terroising man and beast since before the invention of Frosties breakfast cereal.
"And I'll show you were the b********d is, too!", Cheryl promises.

[Axe]

I turns to me mate, let's toss a coin, ok, heads I win, tails you lose

With the obvious result, the mate, showing a sudden amount of sweat bead on his brow, heads out with Cheryl to find the monster swine..

Many hours pass, they haven't returned, so...

[ricochet]

I take up the offer off tea with the family, sitting down to CHICKEN pie

[XTfreak]

next to the dog, I start to worry about me mate as it is beginning to get dark.

[jason's]

next thing he barges throw the door with.....

[XTfreak]

his face all scratched and blood and dirt head to toe. he had the most frightened look on his face. Behind him is Cheryl with...

[jason's]

a blank look on her face

[Axe]

Blank, maybe, but she couldn't conceal her anger,

What happened ?I asked

[Wareagle]

Well, we saw the bushes shaking, when I bent over for a better look...

[XTfreak]

a twig snapped giving us away. Then all of a sudden...

[Scott]

my bodily functions failed me and I shamed myself from the previous 2 days baked beans consumption. I mean anyone would have when confronted by...

[Axe]

Coach jump'n outta the bushes, totally naked, squealing like a pig, dragg'n his bib & brace overalls behind him

Our only course of action was..

[chris]

A double lung shot ......

[jlw712]

But as I prepared to take aim, I realised my arrow rest was bent badly out of shape. Damn. I began to sweat and my heart was caught in my throat as....

[ricochet]

before me was the most terrifying sight ever seen

[brian]

...;;;;

[Axe]

For a split second I was puzzled, an amorous boar, a naked Coach, surely not!
If not, why was Coach wearing lipstick??

As the gap closed between the boar & Coach I felt the answer was about to unfold before our very eyes & our close proximity put us directly harms way, unless....

[ricochet]

there was Cheryl",ooohh you are my man, you naughty boy" she said

[jlw712]

This statement shocked me so much that I fell over backwards into a massive blackberry bush, hence the scratches and blood all over my face.

[Axe]

Having recovered somewhat from the shock, I asked Cheryl, "can you tell me where that Italian fella Gusto went to, I'm sure I couldn't have shafted that boar without him, I would like to thank him, has he run off with Coach? I asked

Cheryl just looked at me with what I took as a look of pitty, when out of the blue she screamed "you idiot" & promptly slapped me across the face

Just then....

[XTfreak]

we heard THE grunt. Unlike anything we had ever heard before..

[jlw712]

I swear I didn't faint when I saw it... I just stumbled on a rock. What I saw was...

[Owen]

quite possibly the most disturbing thing ive eva seen in my life

[jerry redman]

it was.......

[tracker]

tracker in a roo skin loincloth waving a spear. He had a tattoo across his chest saying "I'm a friend of Cheryl. NO POACHING!". He grunted twice and then....

[ricochet]

Coach and tracker together, boy what a sight

[jerry redman]

ran off into the scrub, hand in hand never to be seen again....

[brian]

;;;;;;e"

[bowriver]

So how about it Cheryl? :wink: I asked with subtle enthusiasum...

[Axe]

She glared at me, "want another belt in the mouth"? she spat...We've got enough problems with swine at the moment without you acting like one..

So shut your mouth and let's.....

[bowriver]

...Go put this pig down, after a short while walking i stopped in my tracks, can you smell that? I asked, secretly hoping it was my imagination, going wild due to the massive amounts of adreniline my thumping heart had filled my body with...

[Scott]

male testosterone's. 'Sshh! Did you hear that' I asked, 'that doesnt sound or smell like a boar'. Slowly I crept forward searching the ground in front of me for a sign of my quarry. A bead of sweat ran down my forehead and into my right eye stinging like no tomorrow. I blinked and blinked and thats when I felt it, another slap to the head. "I told you fella no funny stuff"! Cheryl blurted. I was really starting to think that this woman was not a full quid and I wish she would .....

[Axe]

Stop hitting me..

Due to frayed tempers & what had been a harrowing few hours we decided that we should return to the house & get some help

As we approached the house, we both commented how quiet it was, on closer inspection we noticed that......

[rory]

the three bowls of porridge we had left on the table had all been eaten somewhat. We heard snoring from upstairs, Cheryl signaled for me to go up first....

[Axe]

Slowly I crept up the stairs, bow at the ready, as I reached the landing I gently pushed open the first door, nothing, the next door, nothing.. I moved on think'n, this is almost like Glodilocks & the three bears
As I approached the last door, from which the noise was eminating, I took a deep breath, and kicked the door open,

To my surprise.....

[jlw712]

I found it was just a cat. But wait. It wasn't just any old cat. It was a big, big black cat. Oh my gosh! It was a panther. And a big one at that. I turned to run but...

[XTfreak]

tripped, knocking my head on the door jamb. When I awoke..

[jlw712]

I sighed as I realised it was all just a bad dream, but as I looked around I saw the panther. Apparantly still sleeping. Is this a joke, I thought to myself, but then suddenly....

[jerry redman]

as i allready had a arrow on the string draw back and fired, hitting the panther qaurtering on, the panther jumped up in the air and ran in the next bed room.

I followed the blood trail in the next room where he was.....

[jlw712]

Hiding from me, under the bed? This is one strange panther, I thought. Better go get Cheryl and show her whats going on. But when I returned, with Cheryl in tow, the panther took one look at her and...

[brian]

.;;;;;;;;;

[jerry redman]

baboon drinking out of the toilet, so i said to cherrl "it's your shot mate" she nocked and arrow, she draw back and released, to my suprise the baboon jumped the string and.........

[XTfreak]

landed in the shower, pulling the curtain closed behind it. Cheryl then looked at me and said...

[ricochet]

shall we??

[XTfreak]

With sweat dripping down my brow I crept forward and...

[Wareagle]

Saw the uglist backside I have ever seen on any animal, with its head hidden in...

[Dave]

a bucket, that I had earlier left in the shower. It was then that I noticed a strange smell, Cheryl screwed up her nose and looked at me as.....

[brian]

..;;;

[jlw712]

neighbours younger son. Cheryl explained that no-one had ever seen him before and we understood why. He started to cry and then the foam dripped from his mouth. He was terrifying. Ahhhhhhh.....

[bowriver]

...what was that? I asked Cheryl. What? She replied. That noise, outside...

[jerry redman]

i dont know, we made our way out the door and seen what was making the noise it was.......

[NormGunston]

... a semi-trailer load of bowhunting supplies transported in a brewery-sponsored truck grinding to a halt with the thunder of exhaust brakes. From the open back tailgate you could see mountains of shiny, virginial boxes; with labels alluding to treasures of new archery equipment, fishing supplies and chilled beverages. However, the rancid odour that drew you and Chezza outside crept forth from the truck in the form of a foetid multi-coloured slime, pervading all your senses.
"Crikey! I've seen this before..." began Chezza. Archery industry representatives are sent around the country's regional areas, supported by beer companies. The industry blokes start sampling the complimentary beverages, and soon die from exploded livers.
"Str-e-w-th!", you exclaim. "That would explain the stench!" Dry-reaching consumes you and Chezza for the next hour.
Luckily, Kevin, the work-experience kid on tour with the semi, regains conciousness. "Clean that %$#"'&n' mess up and be careful with the equipment!", Cheryl orders.
You watch, as carton after carton of chilled, premium Grand Ridge Brewery beers are lined up next to the bowhunting gear and fishing tackle...

[brian]

;;;;.

[bowriver]

Large pile of beer, as ideas always come easier with the help of educational ale, after a few coldies we were spurting nothing but pure genious. Cheryl had the idea we go hunting with our new gear, after showing her who was boss we decided fishing should come first, limping toward the river, loaded with all our fishing gear,Cheryl stopped all of a sudden, nearly dropping a bottle. Did you see that? She asked...

[jerry redman]

"see what" i said..

[Scott]

that big black thing that flashed between the trees down by the river! 'Oh my god' I said 'its the big boar'. 'Look at the size of it, its huge'! So you were telling the truth about this monster Boar. 'Of course I was you moron what do you think I am....

[Dave]

"Never mind that, what the hell are we going to do now? ...here we are with all this fishing gear and not a bow between us". Suddenly the black shape could be seen meandering closer through the trees..."My god...it hasn't seen us yet, but it's....."

[Axe]

..go'n to get wind of us soon, I said

You say'n I stink?, Cheryl roared..don't matter if you do or don't, he's heard you now, stand still, I whispered

LOOK OUT HE'S...

[XTfreak]

Going for the beer !!!

[Wareagle]

"Not the bloody beer! Chez stand in front of the beer , while I run for a bow." cheryl turned towards me and said.....

[Bowmancam]

"Take me before you take our precious ale" ... while the words were leaving her mouth , the great black shape seemed to deviate off its path ... " Where the hell is it going" i exclaimed but even before i'd finished my sentenced Cheryl cryed "....

[XTfreak]

COME BACK....

[Wareagle]

"you big ugly beast, we want to try a woody's new..."

[bowriver]

...ultra super duper mega sharp extra strong (well priced) broadheads!

[XTfreak]

If we can put the beer down long enough to get an arrow nocked..

[Dave]

Suddenly...with the speed of a startled gazelle, the mighty brute rushed in and gored a six pack of the liquid gold with its long, razor sharp tusks and made a hasty retreat to the safety of the treeline.

Cheryl was gobsmacked, she just stood and stared longingly after her stolen ale. "Quick woman" I yelled "we have to...."

[XTfreak]

hang the rest of the beer in a tree before he comes back!! And from the size of him Im sure it wont take him long....

[Axe]

...to return
For no apparent reason she suddenly blurted out... "next one to call me Cheryl is gonna get their skull cracked, my name is Mary, GOT THAT? it's MARY"

"Ok Mary", I said in a subdued manner, now, are we gonna put the beer in the tree or are we.... Uh Oh, too late, look it's"...

[XTfreak]

a fairy, Mary and headed our way

[Wareagle]

" oh wait a minute!" I blurted out,"Its only Coach in a dress, he must have..."

[Grunter]

.....borrowed that little number of Bowriver, or this beer has some wild side effects. Well we had better get after that swine there Cheryl, (SMACK TO BACK OF HEAD)whoops, sorry Mary, still in a daze of what i thought i just saw, grab ya bow and lets.........

[Wareagle]

"get after this critter". while walking along with Coach staggering along 20 paces behind, I said "Sher... I mean Mary, what is it you do for fun?" she said" I'm a ventriloquist, I throw my voice, I'll show you the first chance I get" it was then we came across the next door neighbour, with his aboriginal stockman, fixing a fence, we could see he was a Kiwi as he wore rubber boots, he introduces him self as Grant and his offsider as Henry, Mary said with a wink,"Watch this, Grant do you mind if I say hello to your cow yonder?" Grant said with a smile "please yourself, but don't expect it to speak back." so Mary said " Hello brown cow, hows Grant treating you?" "very well, thank you"came back the reply, Grant said " I don't believe it!" Mary said " Still not convinced, OK I'll say hello to your sheep than" Grant replied," Oh no! you can't speak to my sheep, besides they tell lies." so we went on and....

[Wareagle]

It was than we felt a slight tremor, stopping us in our tracks, Henry without hesitation went down on all fours, putting his ear to the ground,standing up with a funny look on his face, Henry said "Big pig come."I was watching the horizon in anticipation, when Mary said,"Why is Henry rubbing his ear like that?'' I said ,"don't know, but he was wrong,because a mob of goats just came over the hill, Hey Coach! where's your bow?" Coach replied....

[XTfreak]

Hanging in the tree. Cant carry all this beer and a bow.

[Axe]

"Well let's get a few down us quick, at least we can toss the empties at whatever comes," I said

Coach looked at me and sneered, "idiot, what's an empty can gonna hurt"?

"Good point, but we need to.....

[Wareagle]

"throw something at the bugger, and your too heavy." with that said , Coach bent over to pick up a stick, when his dress ripped open with a loud noise, showing.....

[brian]

.;;;;

[Axe]

..unlike Coach, who quickly concealed his vanity by pulling the dress closed & said "oh no, I only borrowed this dress from Axe, & Jindy is part owner"

"Who cares I snapped", pointing in the direction of the boar "what about about him" ?

"Well umm"....

[XTfreak]

Toss him some cold ones and while he drinks them we will...

[Wareagle]

" NO WAY! use your dress like a bull fighters cape,but....

[Axe]

.."wait till I get out of the way"

Coach looked horrified, "ok for you, I could be killed, even if I ain't, who will explain to the boys if the dress is destroyed... will you take the heat, WELL, will ya"?...

[XTfreak]

Ya we will take the heat. As soon as they see the pics they will believe us. Now who has the camera??

[Axe]

"Bugger the camera & pics, don't care how big they are, pair of girls wear'n dresses, what can they do to me anyway,... so get outta the way here I go, Yahooo".....
With that Coach lifted his skirt a charged headlong, well, more like something that could be described as a demur skip towards the.....

[ricochet]

boar, singing "tip toe thru the tulips with me", in a very high pitched voice

[brian]

;;;;;

[Dave]

The dust settled and Coach just stood there staring at the woman with 2 names. "Who is she gunna be tomorrow " he muttered to himself, "if she can't remember her own bloody name what hope have we got?" He adjusted the dress, looked up and said " Does my arse look big in this?......

[Axe]

Two names answered "here we are lucky to be alive & you want to play model in the wilderness"

"Well, well, here comes Tracker, now his arse does look big in that roo skin" Two Names said smugly.."

"You call me Big Arse Cheryl"?, enquired Tracker, only to receive an almighty belt accross the head, "what's that for" roared Tracker as he prepared to defend himself with his spear

" Mary's the name, use it".. "I don't want to be called Mary" retorted Tracker...Mary rolled her eyes, she was very adept at this, along with wiggling her ears whilst whistling She'll be Com'n Round the Mountain ....."not your name, MINE, now let's forget the fashion parade and.....

[brian]

...

[Wareagle]

Being gentlemen we desided to let ..whats her name?.. go first, and as Coach had a dress, he would go second and then Tracker with me up the rear, so like a cho-cho- train, away we went....

[Wareagle]

The next instant there was a loud bellowing sound, Mary shot backwards,Coach's head went...[you know where],he went backwards hitting Tracker who hit me, knocking me on my face, as I had crawled in backwards,as I got up and started to run , I could hear Mary yelling, " Get your fat head out of my arse Coach!" but Coach was'nt hearing too well, his lights went out, he did'nt know if he was in heaven or hell, and tracker starting spewing, and what ...

[Dave]

could only be described as a scene from a B grade movie, I turned to see everyone in the blackberries trying vainly to muster some dignity from what had just occured. Tracker's eyes still had that glazed look, the one you get when you have seen too much of something ugly. He staggered to his feet, wiping vomit from his chin and said.....

[jlw712]

'Oh darn'.

[Scott]

how embarassing! Hey!' has anyone seen Coach, commented Mary, or Cheryl or what ever her damn name is 'he's disappeared', 'Oh no I think he's lost, we better call....

[jlw712]

the hounds to see if they can sniff him out.

[XTfreak]

The way he is smelling a hound with a cold could find him.
So off we go to look for Coach and to our surprise we find...

[aussiehunter]

him gored to death by the large boar.

we bury him quickly as we know he wont be missed.

we all agree to never mention his name again,

and we move on to........

[jlw712]

Going back to camp to have a cold one and talk bowhunting and big pigs. What else is there! But when we arrive at camp we notice....

[Wareagle]

Coach sitting around the fire having a beer,Gee's, it must have been the bloke from next door, that the big pig...

[adam]

Snorted up one nostril and blow out the other before grinding his bones to a porridge pulp. The boar look to claim his next victim most likely someone wearing glasses. But there behind the blackberries crouched Chris Hervert the boar slayer. The boar walked towards him and presented the perfect shot, Chris Read out over the radio “southwells do you have a copy” yes chris the southwells replied. “just want to confirm there’s a huge boar walking towards me can I shoot it”. The southwell’s replied “shoot the bastard”.
Chris drew back_-

[Wareagle]

but due to nerves and excitement, forgot to put an arrow on the string, WHACK!....

[XTfreak]

As the pieces of his dry fired bow sailed past the monster boar....

[jlw712]

he collapsed in a heap on the ground.

How could he have forgotten the arrow.

Oh my god, he said, "TURN THAT BLOODY VIDEO CAMERA OFF BEFORE I".....

[jlw712]

'Make a fool of myself anymore. Thats it, enoughs enough. I'm going to take one of these six packs and sulk over by that tree.' But as he turned to go...

[XTfreak]

he stepped on a piece of his broken and...

[HOOD]

broken bow and triped and landed flat on his gut and face to face with the steaming boar, and wiht his pants already loaded he........

[Scott]

he ripped out his hunting knife and drove it into the boars throat. "The boar slayer strikes again" he boasted! Then he twisted the blade, slicing the jugular like a surgeon. The mighty Boar roared with anger and threw his head in the air and one of the massive tusks that were as thick as 3 fingers drove deep into the pig killers arm. He lifted the slayer to his feet and with a gentle flick hurled him over his back, to land in the dirt raising a cloud of dust from the impact. The Boar turned on him, blood gushing from his throat then...

[HOOD]

Then grunted "BUGGER" as he fell at the slayers feet. With sweat beading on his forehead and blood running down his forearm he turned to head for the first aid kit when...........

[Scott]

out of the corner of his eye he spotted movement, he froze! "Bloody hell, its just you Adam"! "where did you come from"? "Mate do us a favour" the boar slayer stammered! Find me the first aid kit will ya pal and patch me up a bit before I....

[adam]

Bleed to death. Adam thought to himself "if he bleeds to death that will mean more game for me to arrow"!. Ummmm what first aid kit mate:lol: It seemed the journey had come to and end for the pig killer, but wait whats that, is it a bird, is it a plan, no no its was a bird. " help screamed pig killer in a unmanly voice